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HIV positive and hurting

By Bongi

I am a black woman from South Africa, and I tested HIV positive in June 2005.

I decided to go for the test when my husband began losing weight and looking terribly ill. I knew he would not agree to an HIV test, so I decided to be brave and go first.

I knew my results would probably reflect his, because I have only slept with him and was negative before I met him. He had been having a series of extramarital affairs — some of which I discovered, and others I only suspected. We have been together for eight years, but I can count the number of times when we had sex.

Only when I got tested did I realize why he had 'lost' interest in sex like he would claim. I used to be sad and worried when he would not let me be intimate with him. It was worse when I conceived my baby (who is negative - thank God!).

He would stay in the living room watching movies and only join me in bed in the early hours of the morning until the baby was delivered.

Coming to why I decided to write this message, I am extremely depressed by my husband's reaction after he heard about my status. He went for the test on the same day and also tested positive.

What hurts me most is the fact that he does not want to talk about HIV at all. He refuses to answer me when I try to ask him about his feelings. And, he has not even apologized for putting me through this.

I want to disclose my status and help other people and he does not want to. Maybe he does not want his sexual partners to realize that he has infected them as well. Or maybe he is still spreading the virus. I feel that he has not just infected me but continues to control my life.

I pray everyday for at least 20 more years, so that I can see my baby grow up. But what can we say, only God knows all our destinies.

So, to all you HIV+ brothers and sisters — just take it one day at a time and remember: everybody will die someday, no matter who they are and no matter what crimes they have committed. Or how innocent they were.

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